Months

It has been nine and a half months since I lost my house. The house I raised my children in for nearly eleven years. Where Dawson took his first steps and Caleb first strummed the guitar. Where countless family gatherings occurred, endless memories were made and traditions carried out year after year.  It was the home I decorated, cleaned and loved. Where I had planned to retire with my husband.

It has been nearly seven months since I lost my husband. Well, not exactly lost. For the most part I have an idea where he has gone (though there was a week that he did in fact disappear). When he left, I lost more than a husband, I lost a friend. The guy I grew up with, had children with and spent nearly everyday of the past twenty one years with, had gone and moved on. It was as if I never existed. As if 'we' never existed. The ease in which he moved from me to another was shocking and my self esteem suffered a painful blow. The man I once trusted with my very life was gone. In his place was an angry, bitter stranger I didn't know...

It has been almost six months since my children and I were evicted from our rental house (due to my missing husband and consequently our missing rent money). Nothing will ever erase the pain and utter despair I felt that day watching as my friends and family packed all of our belongings for the second time in less than four months. It was the first time I really grasped that my marriage was truly over. I was overwhelmed with grief and fear and anger. I didn't know where I was going to go, what I was going to do. Surrounded by my friends and family, I had no choice but to lean on them and let them help me. They were more than willing to do so and I will be forever grateful.

It has now been two months since the boys and I moved  into this little house. The cheerful colors, my own brand of decorating and our cats lounging in the windows all help to make this place our home. And the boys and I are beginning to feel more at home. We are developing our own routine, our new normal.

I wake up crying less and smiling more these days. I am beginning to come to terms with where my life is right now and allowing myself to be excited about where it could go in the future. I'm giving up, slowly mind you, my preconceived ideas of who I thought I was. I'm working at accepting what I cannot change and focusing my energy on what I can.
 

I have decided that life really is a journey. It cant' be a destination because it is essential that we keep growing and changing.  Change is the one and only thing we can count on.  And this is only the beginning, there is much more to learn in the months ahead.