Smashing my way into 2013

May 5, 2012
It has been over a year since my husband and I were legally separated. Sounds like such a very long time and yet, it really isn't. One year compared to the more than twenty that I spent with him... just a drop in the bucket really. Much has occurred in this past year. Big, small and medium battles have been won. Most of them emotional and deeply personal. My children have grown so much. They are more independent than they have ever been. Some of this is a result of their ages but much of it is a result of our situation. I cannot cater to them as much as I once did. My time is stretched and my body is tired. The boys have developed their own coping mechanisms, their own way of dealing with what was and what now is. I guess that is really the only way to survive. My wedding anniversary is around the corner. Twenty-two years. Just a few away from Twenty five. I always thought we would celebrate our twenty fifth together...

I expected more from myself by now. A year gone by. I expected to be less weepy. In the beginning, when he first left. when the reality of my situation first set in, I was motivated out of necessity to push forward. Secure housing and stability for my children. As the frenzy of those first months subsided, I expected to have more direction. I thought I would feel a resolve that I do not feel at all in fact. I am floundering. Caught somewhere between the past and the present. The harder I run towards the future, the greater the pull of the past. I cannot seem to let go. Maybe I don't want to let go as much as I try to convince myself that I do. I have tried turning my attention to physical endeavors. I began training for a figure competition only to give into eating comfort food and sabotaging my efforts. I rationalized it in my mind by convincing myself that I would train for the summer races I normally do and then pick up the figure competition training in the fall. Maybe I will. I have considered changing things up to shock myself into moving forward again. Igniting a spark. shaking me out of my funk. I've thought about big things like a new job. lesser things like a hair cut. I've considered meditation, fortune telling and acupuncture. I tried fasting and detoxing but it made me crabby. I got sick of myself after day two. It was eleven days long! ugh.

I have always wanted to be a writer. Like a real one with bound books and paper and all. But wouldn't you know it, reading actual books made out of paper is becoming a thing of the past. I'm always late. I love teaching at the gym and I have considered going back to school and getting my Exercise Science degree. Yet realistically I am looking to the future and my boys hopefully going to college and I would like to help with that. The original plan was that what I made at the gym would supplement what we had been setting aside for the boys originally to go to college. However that money we were setting aside was spent pool side in Vegas on my husband and his girlfriend. Living on what I make is a bit more challenging and doesn't leave much for college planning. So I consider these things and wonder what kind of a job I should be looking for to help with my new and up coming financial demands. I guess I have never thought of myself as a "homemaker" or "stay at home mom" because I have always worked outside of the home be it full or part time and yet I have never felt more like a "displaced homemaker" as I do now. Sure my husband is legally required to pay child support and yet relying on him is really the least reassuring of anything.

Apparently my husband is marrying his girlfriend in July. This July. Maybe he thinks adding a "d" to his last name makes it legal. I don't know. He brought his wife-to-be to my sons baseball game a couple weeks ago. She was sure to flash her diamond ring in my direction as often as she could. She is skinnier in real life than she appears in pictures. She has very straight bleached blond hair, fake tanned skin and larger than normal extra white teeth. A bit frightening but not horrific. I am not sure what she thinks she is getting in my husband. There is no telling what kind of lies he has told her about me and our marriage. I look at her and think, "You will be the Second Mrs. Gebhar(d)t. Never the first. I had the doting husband and loving father. The high school sweetheart and friend. You get what is left. What he has become; Insecure, unreliable, compulsive and narcissistic Just a shell of the man that I had." and I find comfort in that somehow. knowing that I got the very best that he could be. maybe I should feel sorry for her. but I don't. I worked hard to make a marriage and a family and a life that I could be proud of and she had a hand in destroying it. Now she can deal with the fall out....

I thought that there would be definite stages to what I am going through. You know like the stages of grief. I thought maybe I would be plowing through and happily basking in the stage of acceptance (that's a stage, right?). Instead I waffle between sadness, bitterness, anger and complete desolation. Quite pathetic. I ache to move onward and upward and yet I feel weighed down by my own fear and desperation.

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I found this in my journal from May 2012. I like to read over the past years entries and see how far I have come (or not). This entry really stuck out. I remember this deep, dark devastation. I spent a lot of time in it. Wallowing in it. I still spend a fair amount of time in the past. It's unavoidable. My children can throw me back in an instant. Sometimes with just a word.

I still have not competed in a figure competition, though I did compete in all my races last summer. I even did the STP (Seattle to Portalnd). It was over 200 miles and to date the longest bike ride I have done.

I am not a published writer but I am still considering writing a book about my life. I think it could be good enough. I just have to get started..

I did not try fortune telling (but have not ruled it out entirely). I did not try acupuncture (did rule it out entirely as it involves needles. IN MY SKIN!!) Meditation is still a strong maybe and believe it or not, I'm back on the same detox and fast, eleven day diet! ha!

My husband (ex-husband now) did NOT marry his girlfriend. She was less than thrilled when she found out he was still married. oops!

As for the "stages" I was looking for, I think I have hit anger. Yes, for sure anger. And it's a good thing. It means I realize and am accepting that I was "wronged". I did not deserve what happened to me and I am mad about it! In fact as a way of dealing with my anger, I have been considering plate throwing. Yes, you read it right, plate throwing.

Apparently there was a place in San Diego called "Sara's Smash Shack" where you could write down your frustrations on plates and then throw them! Fantastic! Unfortunately San Diego is a ways away and even more unfortunate, Sara's Smash Shack was closed down. Probably ran out of plates. Doubt they ran out of angry women.

Fear and desperation are feelings of the past and soon so will anger. I have peace and acceptance to look forward to. I know that doesn't mean I will never be sad or fearful or angry again but I believe as I move through the stages, I will gain a deeper sense of myself and the woman I am truly meant to be, a calmer more self-assured woman.

I have come through a great deal in the past two years. More than I ever thought I would or could. I am amazing. I am strong. And given the opportunity, I bet I could really chuck a plate!   What do you think?  Who needs Sara?! I'm going to the Goodwill and loading up on cheap-y (easy to smash-y) plates and having my own plate throwing party! Starting 2013 free of the bitterness and anger of 2012 (and 2011...). A real scream-y, yell-y, smash-y kind of party! Woo hoo! Happy 2013!