Bare Feet

The year 2011 has not unfolded quite the way I imagined it would. I recall that my New Year's resolutions included my desire for some real 'life changing experiences'. I had athletic endeavors, consistent daily writing, maybe a class at the local community college in mind. Instead I watched my 21 year marriage dissolve and was forced to move from my home all while attempting to hold my arms tightly around my two children and protect them as much as possible from the fall out.


As a mother my desire is first and foremost to love and protect my children. Each morning before I even sit up in bed I have a mental list running of what needs to happen to get the boys where they need to be that day. There is school, guitar practice and youth group to work around my own work schedule. Like most mother's, I do a lot of my parenting from the car, well, mini van (thanks mom for loaning me yours).


Lately as I am driving the boys here and there and everywhere in the green 'mini', I find myself drifting in my thoughts towards 'what ifs'... What if the boys are emotionally wrecked for life because of this divorce? What if they turn to drugs or alcohol or violence. I wonder how this will affect their future choices in dating or marriage.  (I know...geez...)

I am prepared for the rebellion they will inevitably display as a result of this trauma. I am on the look out for defense and coping mechanisms they may be using. I am watching what they do, listening to what they say and trying to be tuned in. So far, there really has been nothing...

So, imagine my surprise when my oldest son, Caleb, steps out of the mini at school the other day in brand new jeans, brand new shirt and no shoes..... At first I laugh a little, thinking "that silly boy forgot his shoes!" then....it sinks in... He has CHOSEN to not wear shoes. Wha..?? Oh yes, he has decided to forgo his shoes in lieu of a more natural approach...bare feet...

Now my first instinctive response was to yell, "What do you think you are doing?? Put some shoes on! Do you want to catch pneumonia??!!" I am a mother after all. But then something inside of me told me to zip my lips for a minute and think (So unusual I almost missed it). Maybe Caleb was flexing some independence. Maybe what he needed was to feel in control of himself. His life had been spinning out of his control for quite some time now and he was grabbing at what little he could hold on to. Even if just his feet...

So, I smiled. I swallowed another sip of coffee and I wished my son a good day at school. I watched him walk away from me towards his school and I thought, well, at least I can save money on shoes and socks....